Fight Rules
a short one-act play
by Rachel Michelle Collier
CHARACTERS
TILA REX: a kid/pre-teen Tyrannosaurus Rex who can blow fire, sworn enemy of AHNKIT SAURUS
AHNKIT SAURUS: a kid/pre-teen Ankylosaurus who can spit webs, sworn enemy of TILA REX
SETTING
On a wide sidewalk or street on a sunny day. A SMALL, COLORFUL BALL is on the ground near them, just out of the way of the action (perhaps a tennis ball).
*
TILA REX and AHNKIT SAURUS walk slowly towards each other while peering into the audience and scanning the audience as though they are searching for something or someone.
An unseen clock strikes twelve times. It is noon, and TILA REX and AHNKIT SAURUS are now almost right in front of each other.
As the clock just finishes striking noon, TILA REX and AHNKIT SAURUS finally turn to look directly in front of themselves, spotting one another.
Startled and excited, they both jump/move back quickly (as well as dinosaurs can “jump” back) and then begin shouting at one another with each taking a turn.
TILA REX (angrily): There you are!
AHNKIT SAURUS (also angrily, and not to be outdone): There you are!
BOTH (at the same time): I challenge you to a fight!
AHNKIT SAURUS (still shouting): I accept your challenge!
TILA REX (shouting back, and also not to be outdone): I accept your challenge!
They start slowly circling each other to begin their fight.
TILA REX pauses.
TILA REX: Wait. We forgot to set some fight rules.
AHNKIT SAURUS (also pausing): Okay. Go.
TILA REX: Rule number one — I have short, small arms, so I won’t try to hit you.
AHNKIT SAURUS: Okay.
TILA REX: And rule number two — I have thick, stubby legs, but I can’t use my arms to balance myself, so I won’t try to kick you. I’ll only blow fire at you, try to bite you, and try to knock you over with my strong tail. Deal?
AHNKIT SAURUS: Yeah, you definitely won’t be able to hit me, but why don’t you still try and kick me? That would be interesting.
TILA REX: No thanks.
AHNKIT SAURUS: Well, you don’t have to try and kick me.
TILA REX: Okay, I won’t try. So, do we have a deal on the rules?
AHNKIT SAURUS: Deal. Now let’s fight.
They begin circling each other again.
AHNKIT SAURUS pauses and begins speaking.
TILA REX also pauses as AHNKIT SAURUS begins speaking.
AHNKIT SAURUS: Wait. We forgot to set some more fight rules.
TILA REX: Okay. Go ahead.
AHNKIT SAURUS: Rule number one — I can only make cute scary noises when I’m fighting, so I won’t try to scare you, even though I have to make noises.
TILA REX: That’s rule number three.
AHNKIT SAURUS (nodding like he understands): Rule number two — I’m really short, so I won’t even try to knock you over. Instead: I’ll trip you; I’ll try to clobber you with my clubbed tail; and I’ll definitely spit a web around you because I’m great at that. Deal?
TILA REX: That’s rule number four.
AHNKIT SAURUS (firm nod): Good, then we have a deal. Now let’s fight.
They start slowly circling each other again.
TILA REX moves her small arms around furiously.
AHNKIT SAURUS starts giggling.
AHNKIT SAURUS: Wait, wait, stop. (He tries to catch his breath from giggling so hard.)
TILA REX: What? What is it? (She stops circling and stands still.)
AHNKIT SAURUS: You just look so funny with those tiny arms waving around.
TILA REX: I told you they were small.
AHNKIT SAURUS: Yeah, but I didn’t understand just how little they were until you started moving them around more.
TILA REX shrugs nonchalantly, which makes her arms move, which makes AHNKIT SAURUS burst out laughing this time.
TILA REX (shouting, almost roaring): Let’s fight! I’m gonna blow fire at you for laughing at me even though I told you that my arms were small!
AHNKIT SAURUS starts circling with TILA REX again, faster this time.
TILA REX throws her head back to blow fire, but then AHNKIT SAURUS starts making really cute scary noises.
TILA REX bursts into giggles.
TILA REX: Wait, stop, stop … (She struggles to catch her breath from giggling.)
ANKIT SAURUS stops.
AHNKIT SAURUS: What’s so funny?
TILA REX suddenly stops laughing; she is surprised by his question.
TILA REX (unsurely, almost as though she’s asking a question): You?! …
AHNKIT SAURUS (staring blankly at Tila Rex and saying nothing): ?
TILA REX (looking more amazed, even alarmed, as the seconds pass, and staring wide-eyed at Ahnkit Saurus): ? … ????
TILA REX (finally speaking — she can’t hold it in anymore): Aww come on, you’re the one who set rule number three about how cute you sound when you’re fighting! You know it’s funny! It is not even a little bit scary!
AHNKIT SAURUS (angrily): I’m gonna wrap you in web so tight that you won’t ever move your tiny arms ever again! (Trying to roar his next words.) LET’S FIGHHHHT!
They begin circling one another again, faster this time, and with more energy.
AHNKIT SAURUS starts making cute noises again, much higher-pitched and louder this time.
TILA REX starts moving her small arms around in an even wilder manner than before.
Suddenly they both burst out laughing — loudly — at the same time.
AHNKIT SAURUS: Your tiny arms!
TILA REX: Your ridiculous scary sounds!
BOTH (laughing and speaking back and forth rapidly — it doesn’t matter who starts, or which character says each of the next lines):
— Stop laughing!
— You stop laughing — stop laughing!
— No, you stop!
— No, you stop!!
— I can’t stand you!
— I can’t stand you either!!
— Stop laughing!
— YOU stop laughing!!
They can’t stop laughing and go back and forth like this for a few more seconds.
TILA REX (finally calming down, chuckling now): You think the other guys are gonna call us wimps cause we didn’t fight after all?
AHNKIT SAURUS: Who cares! We shouldn’t be fighting anyway! Plus I didn’t really want to hurt you anyway. Plus I don’t even remember why I hate you.
TILA REX: Yeah, who cares! Plus I don’t remember why I hate you either. Plus I didn’t even want to hurt you either. And plus we’re better at being funny.
They’re tired from laughing now.
AHNKIT SAURUS (catching his breath and sighing deeply): Okay, let’s set one more fight rule. Rule number one — we like each other now. Rule number two — whenever we see each other again, we’ll just start laughing instead of fighting. Agreed?
TILA REX (very confused herself now, but explaining patiently): That’s actually two new fight rules, and those are actually rules five and six, since we already set rules one, two, (She’s more confident as she speaks) three, and four. So now we have six fight rules.
AHNKIT SAURUS (not understanding, but nodding and agreeing like he does): Uh-huhh …
TILA REX: And now we’ll set one last fight rule. Rule number seven — whenever you make up a new fight rule, Ahnkit, you have to give it the correct number, you can’t just start from number one every time. It’s hard for me to fight when I’m confused about fight rules. Agreed?
AHNKIT SAURUS (with a firm nod): Good. So we have one fight rule, which is that we’re best friends forever who laugh all the time now instead of ever fighting anyone ever again. I agree.
TILA REX (extremely confused all over again): Uhhhhh …
AHNKIT SAURUS: See you later!
TILA REX gives up trying to understand, and she instead imitates AHNKIT SAURUS’ cute scary sounds in an exaggerated manner to say goodbye as she’s walking away (in any direction).
AHNKIT SAURUS (calling out to Tila Rex): Hey Tila!
TILA REX stops and begins to turn around.
AHNKIT SAURUS: Catch!
AHNKIT SAURUS quickly swipes the small, colorful ball from the ground with his hand and tosses it to TILA REX.
TILA REX struggles to catch the ball with her small arms and hands.
AHNKIT SAURUS chuckles quietly while watching her.
TILA REX goes off-balance, falls over, and flails on the ground as the ball rolls away.
AHNKIT SAURUS, satisfied, cracks up laughing all over again, which makes TILA REX also crack up again.
They both laugh and laugh and laugh as TILA REX continues to flail on the ground and AHNKIT SAURUS slowly lumbers away.
END OF PLAY
About the Author
Rachel Michelle Collier is from Mississippi, and has also been published in Heart of Flesh Literary Journal (the sister-site of Pure in Heart), Fathom Mag, and Ekstasis. She wants you to know that you are loved. X: @CollierRachelM.
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Image: “Fight Rules” created by Veronica McDonald.
