The Butt Curse
by Rachel Michelle Collier
Part 1: How the girl got the curse.
Once upon a time there lived a little girl. This girl was not a mean girl. She was kind, and always tried hard not to be rude. But sometimes others were extremely rude to her.
One way that others were rude was by sitting with their butts at the head of her small bed, where she had to lay her face when she slept. Whenever anyone came into the girl’s room, they would sit their butts right at the head of her bed! —and sometimes they even farted.
The girl felt helpless. She had no idea how to ask everyone to stop being so rude without offending them, so one day she decided to pray for a magical friend. Over and over she prayed, for three days.
The next day a witch with an unusual face appeared. “What do you wish for, girl?” the witch asked.
“Miss Witch,” the girl said, “I want a curse, but I only have two dollars. How much do curses cost?”
The witch smiled a very evil smile and said, “I only accept candy for payment, so, I’ll charge you two pieces of that silver-wrapped candy in your pocket.”
The girl hesitated. She only had three pieces of silver-wrapped candy left, and it was her favorite kind, and she didn’t know when she would have more.
“How about I pay you one-and-a-half pieces of candy, and I give you the biggest half? That sounds like a fair price, right?” She gave the witch an encouraging smile.
The witch gazed at her, then agreed. “That does sound fair. But why is a kind child like yourself asking a mean ol’, no-good witch like me for a curse?”
The girl blushed. “Well,” she said, “sometimes I feel a little mean too, but people don’t know it because I practice being kind. But they won’t stop sitting with their butts at the head of my bed. And sometimes they even fart.” A few tears rolled down her face.
“Why don’t you ask God to help you?” the witch asked quietly—and quite evilly, the girl thought.
“I did ask Him. He won’t stop them, so I’ll stop them myself. And since He won’t give me something bad that I ask for, I can’t ask Him for a curse. Instead, I tricked Him. I asked Him to send me a magical person to be my friend. Now I can get a curse from you. See? Tricked Him.”
The witch was silent. Then she leaned down, carefully collected a few tears from the girl’s face onto her witch-fingers, and asked in a terrible voice, “What curse do you want?”
The girl cheered up. “I want a butt curse!” She gave the witch the candy for payment.
The witch put the candy into her pocket while the girl ate her own half-a-piece of candy.
The witch wiped the girl’s tears onto the inside of the empty candy wrapper. Then she waved the silver wrapper behind her witch-butt a few times.
She gave the silver wrapper to the girl.
“There’s your curse, mean girl. Slip it underneath your pillow or your covers under a bottom the next time someone sits in the wrong place. Those who have small bottoms will grow enormous bottoms. Those who have regular bottoms will grow tiny bottoms. And so all your enemies will learn not to sit with their bottoms at the head of your bed.”
The girl suddenly felt unsure, but she held the cursed silver wrapper even tighter.
The witch waited silently, and horribly, for one whole minute. Then she quietly disappeared.
***
Part 2: How the curse got the girl.
The girl couldn’t wait to try out her curse. She invited her older sister into her room. Her sister sat her butt right at the head of her bed! The girl snuck the cursed silver wrapper underneath the covers, under her sister’s butt.
Nothing happened.
Her sister was bored so she left a minute later. As she walked down the hallway her butt grew so enormous it almost touched the walls. But the girl didn’t see this.
Disappointed, she immediately yelled for her dad to come into her room. He grabbed her pillow and sat his butt right on it! She snuck the cursed silver wrapper underneath the pillow.
Nothing happened as they chatted.
Her dad left a minute later, and as he walked down the hallway his butt became so tiny it made the walls seem twice as wide. But the girl didn’t see this.
Now frustrated, she quickly shouted out of her window for her friends to come over and play; they ran over—through her backyard, past the magnolia tree—and once they were in her room, she snuck the cursed silver wrapper underneath the covers under each of them as they sat with their butts right at the head of her bed!
But nothing happened.
She told her friends that she didn’t feel well so that they would go right back home.
As her friends walked back home, the girl watched them from her bedroom window. She was angry with everyone—especially with the witch.
Two of her friends had regular butts, and as they reached the magnolia tree suddenly their regular butts shrank down as tiny as a mouse’s! One of them had a small butt, and her butt grew as enormous as a small elephant’s!
Her friends began shrieking and sobbing, and everybody in the neighborhood ran out to see what was the matter.
The girl gasped at the horrible sight, instantly regretting that she had cursed them. But it was too late. She heard a loud scream from her sister’s room, and she knew that her sister’s butt had become enormous. Then from the living room she heard her stepmother gasp and drop something, and she knew that her dad’s butt had become tiny.
The girl hid under her bed.
The witch appeared under the bed beside her. Startled, the girl banged her head on the bottom of the bed and started crying.
“Please take the curse back—like it never happened! I’ll give you back the cursed wrapper!” She slid from under the bed, grabbed the wrapper from underneath the covers, and slid back under the bed.
She held out the cursed silver wrapper to the witch.
But the witch said, “We made a deal. You’ve already used the curse, plus I’ve eaten the candy you paid me for the curse.”
“You shouldn’t have eaten all your candy!” the girl wailed.
“I can do what I want with my own candy.”
“Well, you shouldn’t have given me the curse! I’m only a kid!”
“But you tricked God to make Him send me to you, and you knew I was a mean ol’, no-good witch, and you were happy about the curse even though you knew it was a mean thing.”
“But you gave me the curse!”
“Yes, I gave you the curse, but I didn’t make you use it. You chose to use it. You chose meanness all by yourself.”
The girl hated how evil the witch made her feel.
“Take the curse back, you mean ol’, no-good witch!” And she reached out, grabbed the witch by her hair, and jerked her head.
But the witch didn’t struggle. The girl pulled her hair wildly, scratched, hit, and even kicked her, but the witch didn’t fight back.
Finally she got tired and stopped beating the witch.
She lay there on the floor under her bed, breathing hard, now silent. She was all bruised up herself from banging into her bed while beating the witch.
The witch spoke again: “Why don’t you ask God?”
The girl didn’t answer for a long time. She lay there rubbing her bruises and listening to the commotion her curse had caused.
Then she said, softly, “Because God won’t help me since He’ll know that I tricked Him. Then He’ll probably grow my butt enormous too, for punishment. So I have to hide now.”
“Why don’t you ask God, girl.”
“He won’t like me anymore!” she wailed.
“Ask God.”
For some reason the witch suddenly didn’t seem like a very evil witch.
The girl sighed a deep, deep sigh.
“Oh God,” she finally said, “I tricked You so that I could get a curse from a witch, and now I’m sorry that I tricked You because everything is just awful. Please don’t punish me, and please fix this mess because You’re more powerful than the witch. Plus You don’t charge me candy. Amen.”
“Amen,” the witch repeated.
***
Part 3: How the girl broke the curse.
The girl frowned. It was quite odd for a witch to say “Amen.”
She peered closely at her magical visitor. The witch—now scratched and bruised up with wild puffs of hair—had a soft, fire-like glow that the girl hadn’t noticed before, and now she really didn’t seem like an evil witch.
In fact she didn’t seem like a witch at all. She only seemed like a kind lady, even though she still had the same unusual face.
There were a few tears on the witch’s face, and the girl reached out and gently wiped them away.
“Though I can’t make it like it never happened,” the witch said, “I can help you break the curse, using God’s power. This won’t cost you anything, but I do need another silver wrapper.”
The girl unwrapped her last piece of candy and split it with the witch, even though the witch hadn’t asked for anymore candy.
They took a couple of minutes to enjoy their candy (it was now the witch’s favorite, too), and then the witch collected the last tear from her own witch-face, wiped the witch-tear on the new silver wrapper, and waved the new silver wrapper behind her witch-butt a few times. Then she also waved the wrapper in front of her witch-mouth a few times while laughing pleasantly.
“Now. Call everyone into your room, admit what you did, and apologize. Then have each of them sit on this blessed silver wrapper at the head of your bed. Their bottoms will change back to normal. Then burn both magic wrappers and scatter the ashes outside.
“After that, practice kindness again—including honesty—even though you’ll probably offend people sometimes. They won’t die from being offended, and you won’t die from being thought of as rude.
“And God won’t punish you because this mess has been punishment enough! —don’t you agree? Goodbye, kind girl.”
And the witch was gone.
The girl followed the witch’s instructions. Those with enormous butts could barely fit their entire bottoms onto the head of her bed, and those with tiny butts could barely fit their narrow bottoms onto the blessed silver wrapper. The tiny butts kept sliding off the blessed wrapper, forcing the girl to keep adjusting the wrapper underneath their narrow bottoms.
Finally she just held the blessed silver wrapper underneath their bottoms until it worked. A fart slipped out of her dad because his butt was so narrow it just couldn’t stay in—but the girl just clenched her teeth, and kept her hand there to hold the blessed wrapper still.
The enormous butts got small again, and the tiny butts got regular again.
Then the girl’s parents hugged her and apologized for their rudeness; and also, though God didn’t punish her, her parents certainly did.
Her sister only yelled at her.
Her friends gave her the silent treatment for three whole weeks.
Her neighbors refused to speak to her or her family for a year.
Both magic wrappers were burned, and the ashes scattered under the magnolia tree.
The girl never cursed anyone again.
But after that, whenever anyone sat on the kind girl’s bed, they only sat at the foot!
***
And that’s the end of this story about butts and curses. And you are blessed; and so are your enemies, like it or not!
About the Writer
Rachel Michelle Collier is from Mississippi, and has also been published in Heart of Flesh Literary Journal (the sister-site of Pure in Heart), Fathom Mag, and Ekstasis. She wants you to know that you are loved. Twitter: @CollierRachelM
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